I don’t tend to write melodramatically. Aside from my poetry I usually keep my emotions in check and under control and depending on what I’m writing that can work, that can help me focus on what’s in front of me but sometimes that’s harmful, my stream of consciousness gets lost and I hit a wall of depression or lack of motivation or inspiration, or whatever. I haven’t written a stream of consciousness piece in a very long time because the well of energy that I used to be able to tap into when I was younger felt like it was dried up, like I lost a part of myself but here we are, I’m writing out of my ass with no direction and I’m loving it.
I’m sitting in the middle of class with some beats playing and energy that I haven’t felt in my writing in a very long time, but where exactly did it go and why is it back now?
I’ve started freestyle rapping recently, and I don’t want to give any indication that I am good by any means. I say what's on my mind to myself and for myself over some soft beats and try to enjoy myself. It’s nothing special but as I’m thinking about it maybe it gets my brain primed for writing even if I have no say in the matter about what’s being spewed on the page, but I’m writing, and sometimes that's all that matters.
Sometimes I loathe writing because the process of creating inspiration and trying to find any sort of motivation is exhausting. I sometimes find myself trapped in a vicious cycle of writer’s block, idea, 100 hundred words, unfinished project. I haven’t counted in a while but I believe I have a backlog of 70 different pieces whether they be stories, articles, poems, or just ideas that deserve the dignity of some fleshing out. The problem is that I struggle to find a way to get started.
So then why am I writing this? In some roundabout manner, I think I may have found a key to my writing process that may jumpstart the exhausting process of creating stories and following them through. I may have found a way to feel complete in my writing. As I said earlier I think that it’s the freestyle rapping.
Every writer has their process, or so I’ve been told, but mine was never more than a bipolar binge, completely consuming or oppressingly dry.
It may come to you in the strangest moments, and it may never come, but at this moment I think that I’m taking a step in the right direction.